Relationship troubles come in many forms as do relationships themselves. We have a relationship with oneself, our parents, our friends, our bosses and coworkers, our children, siblings… but the relationship troubles that weigh most on most people’s minds is their love relationships. Strengthening self-love and learning to love the one we are with are skills we all can master. Sign up for a couples or individual session today to examine your love, sex, or marriage life.
Communication plays a big role in the healthiness of a relationship. Though in a context that may surprise you. Most problems that occur in relationships are caused by the unspoken expectations and meanings we put on things that we may have never realized that we did so were never expressed. There are fundamental beliefs we all have about relationships and they may not always mesh with what the other person defines it to mean. For example one partner may say lets date each other. The other partner may have a whole preconceived idea of what “date” means such as we “date” no one else.
There can be problems if the other partner just means I want to spend more time with you to get to know you but I am still going to see other people. Learning to discuss openly without judgement what each other means and needs if a difficult thing. We care so much what the other person thinks that we don’t stop to realize that these are the kinds of things that will destroy a relationship and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were not taught that understanding that you may not know what you need to communicate and when it needs to be expressed makes a difference in the health of our relationships.
I have made a list of questions I use with patients in helping them determine if they are compatible together. I believe these are the keys to a lasting relationship:
What do they expect from a partner?
Do they have an addictive nature?
What is their relationship with their family members?
What is their relationship like with their kids and ex-spouses?
What is their spiritual belief system? How do they feel about GOD? What do they believe in?
Are they able to communicate? How do they fight?
What happens when they get angry?
Are you compatible? What is the balance of power in the relationship?
Do they share the same beliefs as you?
What is their relationship with money? How do they handle money?
Sexual dysfunction or sexual malfunction (see also sexual function) refers to a difficulty experienced by an individual or a couple during any stage of a normal sexual activity, including desire, arousal or orgasm.
To maximize the benefits of medications and behavioural techniques in the management of sexual dysfunction it is important to have a comprehensive approach to the problem, A thorough sexual history and assessment of general health and other sexual problems (if any) are very important. Assessing (performance) anxiety, guilt (associated with masturbation in many Indian men), stress and worry are integral to the optimal management of sexual dysfunction. When a sexual problem is managed inappropriately or sub-optimally, it is very likely that the condition will subside immediately but re-emerge after a while. When this cycle continues, it strongly reinforces failure that eventually make clients not to access any help and suffer it all their life. So, it is important to get a thorough assessment from professionals and therapists who are qualified to manage sexual problems. Internet-based information is good for gaining knowledge about sexual functioning and sexual problem but not for self-diagnosis and/or self-management.
Divorce (or the dissolution of marriage) is the final termination of a marital union, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties (unlike annulment which declares the marriage null and void). Divorce laws vary considerably around the world but in most countries it requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process. The legal process for divorce may also involve issues of spousal support, child custody, child support, distribution of property and division of debt. Where monogamy is law, divorce allows each former partner to marry another; where polygyny is legal but polyandry is not, divorce allows the woman to marry another.
For many divorce is a painful, ugly and devastating event. It can represent not only the loss of a loved one but the break-up of a family and the dissolution of self-identity. Grief, depression and anxiety can set in. Mourning for the life that is now gone, fear of what is to come in the future and the present pain of loss can cause feelings to spiral out of control.
Therapy can address all of these issues as well as give tools for building your post divorce identity, healing from betrayal and becoming friends or moving on without them in your life as well as helping you as parents in healing the family and creating safe family dynamics.
Here are My Top Tips for Couples facing Divorce
1. Create Clear Ground Rules
This is #1 because this is the hardest for people to do if one person was betrayed by the other or if one person wants the divorce and the other doesn’t. Being acrimonious isn’t helpful to either person in a divorce. To help eliminate that set clear fair guidelines in writing for interacting with each other. That may be to have no interactions for a specific time period and then only with attorneys or a mediator present or in couple’s therapy. (Yes I even suggest it if only on how to interact with each other as a divorced couple)
2. Let go…Let God
Completely dissolve the old relationship and let it go. If there is to be any chance of being friends in the future you have to let go of the old relationship and ways of relating to each other and make room for a new relationship (with time) to emerge from the ashes of the old. This is especially important if you have children. Don’t engage in old relationship patterns even if the other person is trying to pull you into it. You may feel lonely and isolated for a time but it is the only way to move forward. Don’t try to be friends too quickly. Give it and you time to heal and establish new boundaries that will allow the new relationship to flourish.
3. Trust But Verify
I have said this for years. My friends and family can tell you how often I quote this to them. As money is the first or 2nd reason for relationship issues this is important. Divorce doesn’t have to be messy if again you have a clear written plan for dealing with each other and where money is concerned have clear rules and consequences clearly spelled out if one or the other “forgets” the rules. Trust they will act in your highest good but verify that they are doing so from time to time so you are not feeling as if you don’t get broadsided by a nasty surprise.
4. Get Support/Advice/Comfort From Experts
This is tough for many as their spouse was probably their main source of support but you now must find emotional support for your loss from outside of your marriage or ex’s family. The only way to heal and move forward is to make completely new support systems to rely on. It isn’t healthy to constantly go to your ex or your ex’s family for that support. Just like in your ex’s relationship you must let the old relationships go and forge new ones so that you have a chance at building a new life.
There are therapists and support groups in your local area that specialize in divorce and separation and a great deal of online materials and books to help you through this process of healing. It is important to reach out to your family and friends initially but long-term healing needs to come from within and that may take a professional to aid in the process
5. If Someone Shows You Who They Are Believe Them
In romance novels the bad boy always turns good for the right woman (or man) and all it takes is love to make that happen. In reality people without a lot of therapy and self-analysis rarely change. If you are in a relationship with a cheater and now want to get into a marriage with them you should not be surprised to be cheated on. If your spouse can’t handle money, doesn’t pay bills on time and has enormous credit card debt that will not all magically change for the love of a good person.
The only LOVE that can change that behavior is self-love.
It is not easy when the changes in the relationships are unwelcome or unexpected. Just as in death there is a grieving process that one has to go through to accept the loss of the relationship.
Whatever the circumstances are that lead to the change if you find yourself not making the adjustment to the change seek professional help for tools to help you.